I start getting ready

It’s the baby’s first doctor’s appointment today

I hadn’t slept at all

You are sound asleep

I take a picture of the two males in my life that I “love” more than anything

He flips over in his sleep and almost hits the baby

I get in between

I’m so close to you but I know at this moment you’re not worried about me

It’s almost time to leave and you’re not up

I go to your mother to ask her if she can come with me to the appointment

She asked me

Why he’s not going

Well he’s not waking up

She goes in the room wakes you up and tells you

You have to go with her to the doctor’s

Why can’t you go with her

Because that’s your baby papi

Emotionally drained and tired

I get the things together and head with the baby to the car

I’m in the back with the baby

You’re in the front driving

You can feel the tension in the car

You park the car and we head into the doctor’s office

We wait on the line to check in

We’re next

You unmotivated

Talk to the secretary in Spanish and barely give the information she needs for the baby

He speaks up to talk to me

He spits out his mouth with anger in his voice

You know you’re his mother you need to speak up too

Me barely awake enough to get the paperwork out fast enough

You know I can’t answer her you know more Spanish than me

Finally finished checking in

We go sit in the waiting room

The baby starts crying

Time to feed him

I cover myself with the blanket

You get up to smoke a cigarette

The nurse calls the baby’s name

I get up with the baby so they can check his vitals

She’s talking to me in Spanish and I don’t understand what she’s trying to ask me

I call you

I need you to come help me I don’t understand what she’s trying to ask me

I can understand just enough to know she’s noticing how tired I am

You finally come

She asks you the question

And you respond in Spanish

He’s four days old

She awes at how young and adorable he is

We give her the paperwork from the hospital

She looks through it and notices there is something missing

We text your mom and she sends the information

You didn’t see the text so I go and reach for your phone

I go to put the password in

It’s wrong

You snatch the phone out of my hand

I turn to where no one is looking and I let out a cry

I continue to cry inside

And every time something happens you continue not to care

I just want to hold him but in that moment I feel like this fight I keep fighting and eventually I’m going to run out of power

I’m going to lose

– Samantha, I Am Why social media manager