I start getting ready
It’s the baby’s first doctor’s appointment today
I hadn’t slept at all
You are sound asleep
I take a picture of the two males in my life that I “love” more than anything
He flips over in his sleep and almost hits the baby
I get in between
I’m so close to you but I know at this moment you’re not worried about me
It’s almost time to leave and you’re not up
I go to your mother to ask her if she can come with me to the appointment
She asked me
Why he’s not going
Well he’s not waking up
She goes in the room wakes you up and tells you
You have to go with her to the doctor’s
Why can’t you go with her
Because that’s your baby papi
Emotionally drained and tired
I get the things together and head with the baby to the car
I’m in the back with the baby
You’re in the front driving
You can feel the tension in the car
You park the car and we head into the doctor’s office
We wait on the line to check in
We’re next
You unmotivated
Talk to the secretary in Spanish and barely give the information she needs for the baby
He speaks up to talk to me
He spits out his mouth with anger in his voice
You know you’re his mother you need to speak up too
Me barely awake enough to get the paperwork out fast enough
You know I can’t answer her you know more Spanish than me
Finally finished checking in
We go sit in the waiting room
The baby starts crying
Time to feed him
I cover myself with the blanket
You get up to smoke a cigarette
The nurse calls the baby’s name
I get up with the baby so they can check his vitals
She’s talking to me in Spanish and I don’t understand what she’s trying to ask me
I call you
I need you to come help me I don’t understand what she’s trying to ask me
I can understand just enough to know she’s noticing how tired I am
You finally come
She asks you the question
And you respond in Spanish
He’s four days old
She awes at how young and adorable he is
We give her the paperwork from the hospital
She looks through it and notices there is something missing
We text your mom and she sends the information
You didn’t see the text so I go and reach for your phone
I go to put the password in
It’s wrong
You snatch the phone out of my hand
I turn to where no one is looking and I let out a cry
I continue to cry inside
And every time something happens you continue not to care
I just want to hold him but in that moment I feel like this fight I keep fighting and eventually I’m going to run out of power
I’m going to lose
– Samantha, I Am Why social media manager
